Navigating Confidence and Self-Acceptance: A Journey Through Challenges

This past week has been particularly tough for me. My son, who is autistic, has faced more challenges than usual, partly due to a lack of anticipated support this summer. This unexpected situation has led to disruptions in his routine, which in turn has triggered increased behaviors. Compounding this, we've had frustrating communication issues with the appliance repair service, leaving us without air conditioning during a heatwave. In a bid to find some respite, I decided to take the kids to our cabin for a few days.

Unfortunately, the trip didn’t go as planned.

Traveling with my son is always challenging due to his medical and autism-related needs. I overlooked the fact that this trip was yet another significant change in his routine. While we managed a short hike and some time at a local swimming pool, my son was visibly on edge. Given our history, it’s difficult for me not to feel the same way. By "on edge," I mean he wasn’t happy or mad, just not his usual self. This tension finally escalated on our second night there.

I didn’t handle the situation as well as I would have liked. I wish I could react perfectly, but I’m only human. Each time we have one of these episodes, I feel a wave of self-doubt. I wish I could help him more, but his limited communication abilities make it challenging. He often resists our efforts, which adds to the frustration.

But this isn’t about my son. This is about me. Every time we encounter such a situation, I feel like a fraud. I question my self-confidence and my right to advise others on confidence and self-image when I feel so low afterward.

So, what do I do?

First, I try to give myself credit. I care deeply and am doing my best with the resources I have. I never act with ill intent towards my son. Second, I consider what I could do better next time. For example, we have an upcoming out-of-state trip to see my son’s doctor. Initially, I thought about taking him alone, but now I realize my husband needs to come along for support. My son seems more at ease when we’re all together. Lastly, I remind myself that perfection is unattainable. I will always be learning, and my real-life experiences can help others. As they say, “the mess is the magic.” I’ve learned that there are no mistakes, only learning opportunities. Hearing about the real experiences of other moms has made me feel more connected and supported.

For me, self-image and self-confidence are closely tied to how I perceive myself and my actions. I wanted to share this today to let you know that I’m not perfect. But despite my imperfections, I continue to use the skills I’ve developed to navigate life, overcome challenges, and strive for my goals.

This is not to criticize my son or autism. My son has medical reasons for his behaviors, and I don’t question why we’re in this situation. I look forward to the day he will be made whole, and I will see him free of these struggles. I have a deep appreciation for my son. Before having him, I was too scared to tell anyone that I was a photographer. I feared not doing it ‘right’ or providing a good experience. Many tools in what I call my “Unstoppable Toolbox” were learned from raising my son. Despite our ongoing struggles, it has never been about him. It’s about how I respond to the challenges. This life is about what I can control, and I cannot control my son. He is who he is.

Through all these experiences, I’ve realized that self-confidence is not about never feeling doubt or never making mistakes. It’s about acknowledging our struggles, learning from them, and continuing to move forward. For women over 35 who might be struggling with self-confidence, remember that it’s okay to have setbacks. It’s okay not to be perfect. What matters is that you keep going, keep learning, and keep growing. Your experiences, no matter how messy, are part of your unique journey and can help others on their paths as well.

So, let’s give ourselves the credit we deserve, learn from our experiences, and continue to build our confidence, one step at a time. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. We’re all learning and growing together.

Embracing Self-Love: A Journey Towards Confidence

I've seen it time and time again. Someone looks at their picture and immediately begins to criticize themselves. This happens with both clients I've just met and friends I've known for years. It's a pattern that sadly, many of us are familiar with.

One instance stands out in my memory. I had photographed a friend and we were reviewing her pictures together. I was excited about how well the photos turned out, but the first thing she said was, "Look at all my wrinkles." This was a friend I'd known for years, and never once had I thought she had a lot of wrinkles.

This moment was a stark reminder of how many of us (and I'm not going to say all, but certainly many) look in the mirror and focus on everything we think is wrong with us. But the truth is, we don’t do this to each other. I don’t sit across from a friend thinking they're overweight, have acne, or bad posture. When I'm with my friends, I'm engaged in our conversation or activity. I’m not focused on what they look like. And frankly, if someone is focused on your looks, are they really the kind of person you'd want as a friend?

This brings up a couple of important thoughts.

First, let's recall those science experiments from school where kids would play rock music versus classical music to a plant, or talk kindly to one plant and yell at another. The plant on the receiving end of yelling and cursing didn't fare well. This concept was further explored by Masaru Emoto in his work with water. He showed that water crystals exposed to positive energy, like classical music or kind words, were beautifully aligned. Conversely, water exposed to negative energy, like cursing or harsh music, became deconstructed and chaotic.

I bring this up because a significant portion of our bodies is made up of water. If negative energy can affect water so profoundly, imagine what it does to us when we direct negativity towards ourselves.

I also recall reading a suggestion that we should write the names of everyone whose opinions we truly care about on a 1x1 inch piece of paper. The idea is that you shouldn’t need more space than that to list the people whose feedback matters. Most of us understand this conceptually, but we don’t always act on it.

So, what if we changed our perspective? What if we realized that most people we dress to impress don’t actually care about our perceived flaws? How would our actions change if we spoke more kindly to ourselves? Would our internal molecules align better and potentially improve our health? Would positive self-talk influence our actions towards achieving our goals?

While I can't answer these questions scientifically, I do know from personal experience that kinder self-talk changes my actions and, consequently, my outcomes and appearance. When I speak kindly to myself, I feel better and act more confidently. Similarly, when I help a client feel more confident, their photos reflect that inner shift.

Many of us, especially women over 35, struggle with self-confidence. We often focus on perceived flaws rather than celebrating our strengths. But what if we made a conscious effort to change this narrative? What if we started treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we offer our friends?

Imagine looking in the mirror and seeing beyond the surface. Instead of focusing on wrinkles, we could see the strength in our eyes, the kindness in our smile, and the wisdom in our features. By shifting our focus from criticism to appreciation, we can start to build a healthier self-image.

It's important to remember that self-love and confidence are journeys, not destinations. We will have days when negative thoughts creep in, but it's crucial to counter them with positive affirmations. Here are a few steps to help you start this journey:

1. Acknowledge Your Achievements: Take time to recognize your accomplishments, no matter how small. Celebrate your progress and be proud of your efforts.

2. Practice Positive Self-Talk: Replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations. Instead of saying, "I look tired," try saying, "I am strong and capable."

3. Surround Yourself with Support: Spend time with people who uplift and encourage you. Their positivity will reinforce your own.

4. Focus on What You Can Control: You can't change others' opinions, but you can change how you view yourself. Concentrate on what you can do to improve your self-image and confidence.

5. Be Kind to Yourself: Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion you would offer a friend. You deserve it.

Remember, your worth is not determined by your appearance. You are valuable, capable, and deserving of love and respect. By embracing self-love and practicing positive self-talk, you can transform your self-image and boost your confidence.

Let's start today. Look in the mirror and acknowledge something positive about yourself. It might feel strange at first, but with time, it will become a natural and empowering habit. You have the power to change your narrative and build the confidence you deserve.

Digital File versus Print

I get asked quite a bit if a digital only file is cheaper than print. Now I don’t like telling people why my prices are higher and why you should hire me as your photographer. If you see something you like- great lets work together. If not, I am sure there is another perfect photographer out there for you. But I would like to take the opportunity educate on why a digital file is not necessarily cheaper than a print.

If you are reading this post I am going to make the assumption that you can google how much it costs to print a photo. As there are higher quality printing labs out there such as my local lab, Nichols I am also going to make the assumption that you can look up printing prices for more than one lab so I am not going to repeat that here.

But like most I am sure you will come up with the fact that a print cost is a fraction of what a professional photographer will charge you for that print. So why the increase? What did your session fee cover? Well I am sure the answer you get will vary by every photographer you speak with, especially if they are a professional and making money on this amazing profession- or they are essentially doing it as a hobby.

So let’s back up to the session fee. Your session fee can cover a number of things including (but not limited to): consultation, hair and make up, studio rental, equipment, facility rentals, permit fees, travel, photographer time, assistant time. To be honest for me by the time I have found you as a customer, completed the consultation and paid any fees related to the photoshoot I have probably spent about 7 hours and walk away with less than $100. Sometimes less than that. If you run a business you know $15 per hour is a very poor way to run a business and essentially is not survivable.

For every hour spent photographing you, in this case of my large session I usually spend about double the time editing the session. So if I spent 90 minutes with you I will be spending 3-4 hours editing. That takes my session take home from $15 per hour to $10 per hour if I was to give you the final 30 edited images included in that session fee.

Now I absolutely ADORE photography. I ADORE many of my clients. I TREASURE the opportunities that photography has given me.

But I am worth more than $10 per hour. And if you don’t agree that is fine. Again, I am sure there is another photographer out there for you.

My philosophy has and always will continue to be if you like your pictures, you will purchase them. My job is to take good photos. It is for this reason that I do not increase my session fees to some of my competitors which I know are $600+. If I do a good job I will make that return on the photos- which are also comaprable to my counterparts prices.

But some still ask about digital versus print. So let’s examine that a little further. To create an image (physical or digital) the following items are likely applicable:

• Hair and Make up

• Rental/permit fees

• Assistant fees

• Equipment

• Education/skill

• Time spent in the session/editing

• Artistic taste/experience

• Consultation

• Time/money spent sourcing anything for the session

• Interpersonal skills

Now I know some of those items you cannot put a dollar on, such as experience or interpersonal skills. But it is the same with any other profession- you pay for experience. I also have alot of experience that gives me an edge helping you feel more comfortable in front of the camera. I also realize I mention some items here that I said are included in the session fee. I include them here as they still go into making an image.

So back to where we started. I am not sure if you went off to look up the cost of a print. Now add to that the cost of a mat or mat board and folio box or other bound book. Depending on the quality of these items, they can add some cost. Let’s just say the cost of goods is about $40 per image… depending on the final product you select.

Now a standard price in some photography circles for a matted 7x10 portrait lets say is $250 ala carte. For my business my packages do include digital and print item + a personal use print release. If you want digital only I am happy to remove the print cost. But my greater hope here is that I have been able to communicate just because we take print out of the equation- it does not really decrease the cost of the final image.

Again I love the art of photography. I LOVE hearing someone look at the screen and say, WOW- that’s me? Yes, that is amazing you. My goal is to have you walking out of the studio with a boost of confidence and love that carries over to the rest of your life. So can I make the case here for printed products?

A picture of our StoryBook. Printed on handmade cotton paper, protected by a leather cover- handcrafted by GraphiStudio in Italy

First I want to ask you- did you know that pictures are the first thing people want after a disaster? They are the first thing people grab for? I think in the day to day we can feel that a printed portrait is not important… until that moment comes when it is. Printed portraits, especially family portraits on a wall can also promote a greater sense of belonging and inclusivity if especially a family portrait is on the wall. And finally if you are like me- you never seem to get around to printing them so why not have someone do it for you. I can tell you at this moment I have 2 hard drives sitting on the shelf, with pictures that I need to take in that are likely irreparable. Things happen digitally, that don’t happen with prints. So even if you think you don’t need to I would highly recommend printing your images.

Is Confidence a Requirement for Success?

Have you ever looked at someone and thought wow, they are so confident? They are so successful because they are so confident? I know I have. And while I have been part of these thought processes I like to explore instances that show the opposite, let me explain.

There is a book I read some time ago called the Confidence Code. If you have not read it, I highly recommend it. Anyway if I remember correctly there was one common finding in there… they interviewed a lot of successful people for this book. They found that despite their success these individual sill felt like frauds. They still felt nervous. They still prepared above and beyond for their roles and tasks… just so they were not found out.

There are also one stories… one I reference in particular… I used to get so nervous before I would photograph someone. I would be nervous that I would mess up or I would forget a camera setting and the person would hate their pictures. I was a person that had built my life on praise and awards from others. I had defined that as success.

Something that really helped me move past that was to discover that one of my favorite photographers mentioned in a speech that he was nervous photographing President Obama. He was so nervous that alot of the pictures came out blurry. This really helped me to realize… that people at the top get nervous too. They might not be confident in every situation. So if they can do it and still be nervous… can I?

Here is what I did. As I mentioned already I used to define success as accolades from external sources. I had to redefine to myself what success looked like. What if success was the fact that I actually tried something? Even if I failed? What if success was that I did a little better than yesterday- but still not perfect? What if it is that I say no to something- not because I lack confidence but because I want to remain sane with all that I have on my plate?

I don’t know that I have landed on a specific definition of success to communicate it to you. But what I would offer is take a step back and think about a few things. I watch my daughter want to not try something, or quit immediately because she is not perfect. The first thing I want to point out is this is very human. We don’t want to look bad or not perfect. So instead of not trying- we quit before we have even failed. It is very human to not want to fial. We don’t want rejection. We want to be accepted into our tribe. So if we stay in our safe zone and don’t go out very much we don’t give ourselves much opportunity for failure.

But then you have to ask yourself- what kind of life is that? There is a whole big world out there to experience and learn. I feel that life has become so much richer the more I participate. The more I fail. It is okay because I am learning. Life becomes richer when I engage.

The second thing about not having confidence for something. It is uncomfortable to move outside your comfort zone. You don’t know the exact steps because you have not done them before. You don’t know the moves because you don’t have the muscle memory. The struggle here is that you very much need to step outside your comfort zone or you will not learn very much.

So what you do here is learn to be okay with being uncomfortable. I think I have mentioned this recently but will mention it here again. I have been fairly uncomfortable photographing at model classes. I am not in my element. I don’t go out of my way for an extravagant wardrobe. I rarely wear make up. I am not skinny… definitely out of my element. But I went anyway. I knew it was not my element. But I knew it would be an incredible opportunity. I learned information that changed me as a photographer.

So all of this to say maybe confidence is not about the destination. Maybe it is more about about the steps, the journey. Maybe it is confidence in yourself to be uncomfortable for a minute so you can go do something that just might be amazing. And the good news here is that more you get used to being uncomfortable with stepping forward for an opportunity- the easier it gets.

Confidence in One Step

I have long thought I should write a book titled “Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Raising a Child With Autism”. That is especially true for learning to take one step.

So if we are just meeting, I have a couple kids in different areas of the autism spectrum and they both have different skill sets. Like us- they have alot to learn, it just looks different from your normal kid at times.

In particular my son has had quite the long list of things to learn. I think the fun part is when he does them- we cheer like crazy. While not the main point of this blog post I will add that autism has taught me to celebrate the little things in life- like crazy.

Anyway… we have had to figure out alot with my son. We have had to figure out how to help him communicate. We have had to figure out how to get through 2 hours of church with him. We have worked with him just to go down a play ground slide. I think you get the idea that I could go on with an endless list here.

I remember hearing from some autism resource that these kids have a skill set. You don’t take a kid that cannot swim and through them in the deep end and hope they will make it. You take steps. You get them okay being in the water. You help them learn to put their face in the water. You help them learn to kick. You help them learn to stroke. There are many steps we should all take before being thrown in the deep end.

I think the struggle here is that generally we look at life like a deep end. We look at a successful business owner and say there is no way I could do that. We look at all that is required for becoming a medical doctor and think- I’m out. We look at someone famous or rich and think I could never do that.

The truth that I love- and is often hidden. Is you are not seeing an overnight success. There were lots of little steps, and if we are honest lots of falls for that success to happen.

So we started learning with my son to take small steps. For example many of the kids on the spectrum have some strong food preferences. And many of the kids on the spectrum are also sensitive - to foods they love. We had a goal to get my son off of gluten. We had tried going cold turkey (off to the deep end) and after 2 days he just stopped eating. The doctor told us to just give up.

Fast forward about a year later and I overheard an autism professional say he has never seen a kid on the spectrum make large gains without a diet change. I told my husband we needed to try again. But this time it was going to be different. For instance I took one of the gluten foods my kid was on. I purchased a gluten free option and didn’t say anything. I had the food on the counter and available. After that I had the food on the table during a meal. After that some time I had the food on his plate with something I knew he would eat. I never said a word. If he did not eat it we would try a few times, or try a different gluten free option. We repeated this constantly until he was off gluten and casein completely. Minor bonus here- he was sleeping through the night instead of waking up all the time.

Confidence Success Comes in Steps

That aside we had success when the steps were manageable. We had success when we removed some of the expectations of our final goal. We were not focusing on our desired outcome- just one step at a time. And we were open to doing it differently. Most people I know of that do an autism diet change- did not do it like this.

This has been a game changer for me building up to things. No longer do I put down the camera because I don’t have confidence to think one day my pictures will be in Vogue- actually as of this writing I have been denied by them twice. But instead I can concentrate on the smaller steps. I have been in smaller magazines. I have had some amazing commercial opportunities come up this year- that will be so exciting to celebrate once they are final. Each experience has built on the next and given me the confidence to go on to the next step. Like I said in the last blog post the confidence has come after, and propelled me to my next adventure.

What is your next first step?

What comes First? Courage or Confidence?

There is something I have told myself for much of my life… that I also hear alot from other people. I do not have the confidence to do that. Or I hear that statement in some similar form.

Then it was a few years ago when I was reading up on confidence and something struck me that was pretty huge. Confidence is actually something you have after you do a certain task. The reason for this is especially if you are doing something you have not done before- how can you have confidence in something? Especially if you have not done it or had proof of some type of success. An example of this is recently I was with my sister in California and we took a glass blowing class. I had zero confidence in my abilities because I had never done it before. But I was willing to try because we had a great instructor and it was not my first time working with my hands.

Another story that comes to mind was a few years back I had the opportunity to attend Coco Rocha’s model camp back in New York. In case you don’t know who Coco Rocha is she is called the Queen of Pose for a reason. She is amazing at modeling, a fierce advocate for models rights and expanding the industry knowledge and a super kind person. I was a little nervous to go because I figured I would probably be the oldest person there, and the biggest. Both of which turned out to be true. Then when I got there was the biggest surprise- I found out I would have the opportunity to photograph Coco Rocha on photo day.

Up until that point I had taken several posing, lighting and general photography classes. I had never photographed a professional model. It would be accurate to say I was anything but confident going into that opportunity.

However, havling learned about courage as a precursor to confidence I told myself I could do it. I also have learned to judge a situation accurately and come away with the bigger picture. The bigger picture here was that I was getting an opportunity that not many other photographers get. And if I learned something from the opportunity- that would be my win. It also helped knowing that one of my favorite photographers had many pictures of Barack Obama come out blurry because he was so nervous. I don’t know why… but knowing that others struggle to me is always helpful.

So anyway… I went to camp, in the middle of a pandemic. I did not come home with COVID. I did come home with hours of experience. I got to direct Coco Rocha in a photoshoot where I had led the artistic direction. She was beyond amazing, as always. I got to watch hours of photo sessions by a professional photographer and Coco as they photographed all the attending models.

Courage Before Confidence

I did not go to camp with confidence. I didn’t even come back from camp with maximum confidence. And yes, many of my pictures were blurry (professional models move fast and eye tracking focus was just coming out). But I had more confidence in posing. I had more confidence in encouraging models to play. I had more confidence in myself. It was a first step of many I would take over the next few years.

I think the interesting thing here is to remember that confidence is kind of the final product. If we think of confidence as what we need to get to our destination- we will never get there. The reason we will never get there is we will not have the confidence without the confidence building experiences. And those confident building experiences will be so much more valuable- if we are willing to fall, get back up and see the bigger picture.

Back to the book I mentioned- it referenced courage as what is needed. Courage to take that first step. I would offer there are alot of other skills you can work on that can help- self compassion, self realization, self image and so on. But it has been much easier to look at a destination and start seeing the courage steps I take to get there. Once I break it down, the confidence does not seem so overwhelming. And one confidence experience only builds to the next.

What is your first courage step you need to take next?

Give Yourself Credit

I don’t know about you but I have had a hard time with this… for a long time. I was raised to not brag or talk about myself. While I think there is some benefit to staying humble and grounded I wonder if this is taken too far- especially when raising girls. For the longest time growing up I loved to accomplish things (and still do)- but I would not give myself credit for anything that I did. Also growing up I had this picture of perfection. I was going to execute life perfectly… and would fall apart when I did not.

I was thinking about this thing, giving yourself credit and self compassion this week as I heard a friend talking about a situation they were struggling with recently and I thought- there is no self compassion here. This is by no means a criticism againt my friend. This is something that is common in the human experience.

According to Google we struggle to be nice to ourselves because this essentially is opening up a couple cans of worms humans do not like to open. First, we do not like to experience emotion. It is our tendency to go away from pain. So if we do not give ourselves the compassion, we do not admit the pain.

We also do not admit the fault. We do not admit that something we did was essentially negative. It is another strong human desire for acceptance and if we admit something that is outside the accepted realm of behavior- we are admitting that we are less than. Perhaps worthy of not being accepted.

But both of these overlook a simple truth of being human. We are human. I used to listen to a life coach, Brooke Castillo that would say life is half bad and half good. While maybe it is not always 50/50 and maybe you look at your neighbor and think it is definitely not 50/50 for them… there is still one take away here. The human experience is not all perfect, positive or good. It is in accepting this fact that I was able to start looking at my life with a bit more compassion of what was going on.

The Friend Test

So how do you change this? How do you stop talking to yourself so negatively when something may not happen as you desire? One of the first things I recognized was the friend test. As I listened to my friend on the phone this weekend I gave this person compassion for what was going on. I also tried to be encouraging.

Think of the last time that you did something that you were upset about. For me I cried in front of some staff at a facility by our house because I was upset with a ‘rule’ they had that was making my situaiton with special needs kids difficult. While the facility actually ended up taking care of us and was incredibly kind… there was a minute where I was upset with myself that I had lost my cool in front of a bunch of adults.

Now picture I as a friend telling you this story. You know that we are stressed regularly with special needs and trying our hardest. Would you (as a friend) criticize me for not having control 100% of the time? Or would you say- hey, its okay we all have bad days? At least it turned out to work? Or something like that? If you look at it logically I think it is somewhat humerous that we speak to our friends better than we do ourselves.

The Truth Bomb

I think the one thing the friend test gets at but doesn’t quite call out is… a different view. Perhaps in most cases the truth.

For instance I got an email last week from my sons doctors office reminding me that it was time to go get labs for his next medication order could be written. For the record I completely spaced it last time and we had to go urgently get them done.

Years ago when we first started on our special needs journey I would be so angry at myself if I forgot anything. I might cry, eat some chocolate, not be productive for the rest of the day and for sure give myself a healthy dose of guilt over the mistake I made.

The truth thoough was that I was working full time, caring for a child with profound special needs, taking care of the house, trying to survive… so the truth was… it was a miracle that I have not forgotten an appointment before then!

The truth here is that most of us are doing the best we can with what we have. I did not forget the appointment on purpose and there was no intent to hurt my son by missing an appointment. So truly, what was there to be mad at? If anything it was a time to take a step back and see if there was anything I needed to adjust- like taking more time for me or making sure my schedule was straight and in one spot.

I have found time and time again in my own life, and listening to others that we do not act on truth. We act on stories that we tell ourselves. And most of the time those stories that we tell ourselves are for the path of least resistance. They are not stories that help us grow, become more resiliant and progress. So when I got the email of needing the labs to reorder the medicine I did not beat myself up. I looked at my schedule and said- this is when we can do it.

Say Thank You

I wanted to circle back to something I said at the beginning and a little challenge. I was raised to be humble and not brag about myself. While I still don’t really do those things I have started to do one thing. Say thank you. If someone compliements me on my photography I say thank you. If someone complements you on your work say thank you. It is a small thing but I think it is a first step. Even if it is uncomfortable hearing someone compliement you- give yourself credit and say thank you.

I bring this up because I think I have done better making self compassion a habit by having a base habit of small steps such as saying thank you. Even if it feels wierd. Even if you feel that maybe the compliment is not correct for whatever reason (I will give you an example)- say thank you.

For example as I have progressed with photography I have more people tell me that my photography is ‘good’. The truth is that yes my photography has improved over the years and it is technically and emotionally better. However… it is not like Annie Leibovitz’s. Or Peter Lindbergh. So even though my definition may differ than theirs (and by the way comparing is not good) the truth is that my photography is better than the average individual. Perhaps I made this person feel amazing in their session. So I simply say ‘thank you’

Well I don’t know if I have convinced you yet that being nice to you is a good thing… but I know it has worked alot for me. And it really stuck out to me this week watching a friend struggle with self compassion towards their respective situation. I think there are alot of us out there with hurt feelings and negative experiences. Just imagine how this world would be different if we all acted on the hope inspired by the friend conversation. Think of how our lives would be different if we gave ourselves a hug at the end of the day instead of a curse. I know my life has changed for the better for it, and I hope yours does too.

I hope you have a wonderful week.

Goals Finally Make Sense

Like several people in the world I suspect I have had goals that I did not complete, goals I did no write down, goals that were more for someone else than they were for me and goals that were refined as I learned more from my life experience. So while I always understood that goals were a good idea… I did not know the importance that these other aspects of goals would have.

Not Completing Goals

This is probably the most common occurence with goals. I cannot tell you how many times I have thought I am going to exercise at least 20 minutes every day this week- and I don’t. This week I made it out only once.

I have also had bigger goals than exercising 20 minutes a day that have been left unfinished. I had a money goal set this past year that I did not reach- not even close. Looking back soon after I set the goal we also found an out of state speicalist that is helping with some of my sons medical conditions and have been busy with that.

What I have learned from unfinished goals is that it is okay sometimes to let them go. But I think it is important to be aware of all aspects of the situation and make the conscious decision. I did not make the conscious decision with that last money goal. While the results with my son have very much been worth it and I would not change a thing, it was not a conscious choice. I think a challenge at least I have is that I let myself get so busy with life- I am not acting consciously.

Hopefully my point here though is that life changes in big ways that may make the goal no longer in your best interest. Or maybe in some way you have already accomplished your stated objective, it just did not take as long as you thought it would. What I have also learned for those smaller unfinished goals is that if I really want to make them happen I need to do a few things such as planning. I need to get specific about the where, the when and maybe (if you live a life like mine) plan for any obstacles that may come up. Part of goals is planning for their success as well.

Write Down Your Goals

I will confess here and say I am especially not good about this one- but have a much greater appreciation for it on a couple of fronts. First is that writing down goals makes sure they are specific, there is physical proof that they exist. This helps mentally because you have a direction you are going. Your actions, daily, weekly and monthly- are guided by your goals instead of working on things. A goal to produce a results, rather than work on something produces a much different outcome.

To take this a step further I have heard not only to write down your goals but keep them in the front of your mind. I have heard of people that rewrite or reread them on a regular basis also do even better… because their goals are top of mind. So when it comes to making a quick decision it is the goal that has a better chance of guiding that quick decision, not a bad day someone just had.

Last on this point, there is a statistic I have heard that of the Harvard graduates that wrote down their goals compared to their counter parts… they made 10 times more money. Personally, that result to me is a bit mind blowing. All I have to do is write down my goals, pay attention to them and I would make alot more money? It seems crazy that something so big can come from something so simple.

A Goal for Someone Else

They say to post on your social media daily, blog weekly. I will be the first to admit I don’t. I am sure I can make many of the same excuses you hear and maybe give yourself. But once I have gotten clear on my goals- I have also started to get clear on how I am going to achieve them. And while I do still try to touch on social media and here on the blog- posting daily is a goal that just is not not serving me right now. That also does not mean there will not be a time in a future where it may serve me.

There also seems to be a need to have a goal that aligns with you. I have seen several times where my husband or daughter agree to a goal… because they know I am interested in it. But ultimately at those times when the goal does not align with them, it generally does not go well. So if setting a personal goal, do your best to make sure that it aligns with you. Conversely there are times in a group that a group goal may need some extra finessing.

So while I am suggesting that you make sure a said goal is indeed for you. I think one also needs to consider how the goal is impacting someone else. I know someone that had a goal to keep a specific job for 2 years. This particular goal would give them the required experience to apply for other jobs and they had historically struggled to keep a job. They wanted to prove to themselves that they could do it. However, when it was getting close to the end of their 2 year period there were concerns about the employer and level of income- that was affecting their family.

This person was at a cross roads. They could stay and work their committed 2 years. It would be a great boost to their confidence. But they could also move on as their appeared to be possible financial trouble with the employer and they themselves needed a raise. Sometimes one needs to evaluate goals not only to make sure they are personal goals but also consider if a goal is no longer serving them, it may be okay to move on.

Refine the Goal

I think one reason that I have not accomplished many of my goals is I needed to find out what I really wanted to do and it needed to resonate deeply. I was watching other people with their success and what they were doing then trying to model after them. While there is nothing wrong with that methods people were using to accomplish their goals and ways did not always align with mine.

It has only been in the past couple of years, and finally this past year that I have really been able to refine my goal of what I want to do with my photography and what I want Akoma Studios to be known for. I have constantly been side tracked with different things in photography. It has always been fun to learn this or participate in photographing that. And while it has led to some great experiences… it has also side tracked me from my goals. Now that I know what I really want to do- it is much easier to say no to things as it does not align with what I want.

Goals can be a bit of a moving target. I share this blog post because I did not know the implications, and benefits of writing down ones goal. I think we need not kick ourselves when times and goals change, and sometimes need to. I also now do not mind the years I spent growing- ultimately refinging my goals into what they are today. It has given me a much stronger why to keep going when I feel tired or frustrated. While goals should require some attention, the return on investment is great and I hope sharing my experience here can help someone else out.

Looking in the Mirror: Self Value

The never ending cycle of value question is still happening. It happened to me two times this week and it caught me by surprise a little bit.

The first one was the opportunity to shoot an album cover. This is not something I have done often and am interested in doing more. The person was asking for a free session and wanting the experience- I said yes. Come to find out the photography they wanted did not really align with my style at all. There will be alot of props and likely overediting on their part. I also like to have a quick premeeting to review ideas and meet each other which they did not seem keen on doing. But as I promise to do something, I hold to my word. If I am honest, with a teeny bit of resentment.

The other one was an individual I have known for a couple of months. They had asked about a headshot after they got a new custom fit piece of clothing completed. Sure, I would love to. Once the clothing was done they saw my prices and said no thank you. I don’t mind if people think I am too expensive. Yes, my prices are higher than the average area photographer but I feel they are worth the value I provide. In fact I have had clients tell me I should charge more. But still… knowing there was a recent custom clothing purchase here… a tiny bit of resentment.

As I thought about this I thought this is not the clients fault. And the rest of this post is not about them. It is about myself and the photography industry.

Look in the mirror I thought. What is there to see here?

Overall, I think there is an industry that is struggling to show value when everyone has a camera on their cell phones. And everyone else has a DSLR in auto, also claiming to be a photographer. Not that there is anything wrong with taking pictures in general. I first came to enjoy the benefits of photography as it is essentially an exercise in mindfulness and creativity with mental health benefits. I am happy everyone has a camera.

But the concern is they take pictures. And I take pictures. The client then asks what is the difference?

Let me first start with a story. This past week I gave my networking group three tips of how to appear smaller in pictures. I told them to stay away from baggy clothing, lean forward a bit or rest on their back hip and move their arms away from their sides. In truth I would add even more to this: the specific style of what they are wearing, finesse the pose completely unique to their body type, use light to highlight what I want, shade what I don’t want to highlight and have an authentic expression. On a personal note I feel that an expression can make a photograph over anything else. I also would arrange the photo in a way to suit the purpose of the photo whether it is for a headshot, a fun session, something specific to their purpose… or the dozens of other purposes I have come across. I start and create my photos with purpose as opposed to the ‘just click a button’.

I say this because what I have listed here is more than the average person with a cell phone and more than most with DSLR’s will know to do. But at the end of the day, we are both photographers. So how to differentiate? Does it matter? Or does it matter that at the end of the day I know my value and do not let the detractors take away from that.

For me it is still a work in progress. Photography has always been a bit of putting myself out there and when people say no… sometimes, even though you know the process- it is hard to get around. I have come a long way and photograph much less often for a value less than I am worth. I remember years ago having friends ask me to do their weddings and me turning them down because I felt I was not good enough. Then I would see the pictures and know I could have done a better job.

It is unfortunate that there is little information out there on how to price yourself and so much of what you see is other people also undervaluing themselves. I was lucky that in the beginning I did not offer people 100 pictures for a small fee. While I was still cheap I offered per picture that sounded cheap, but when people saw all the pictures they liked, and wanted- they bought more. But I will was not ultimately charging at value.

A little note here. The best information I heard was if you feel bad about how much you are charging, is to add more value. This same person also advocated that instead of just a photo session, change the way people see themselves.

Boom. This is not just photography. This is not just a pretty picture on your feed. Although, if I am honest, I think many of my pictures are pretty. Since then my goal as a photographer has changed into more than just taking pictures.

I want someone to come to my studio and for however brief or long of time they are there. I want them to feel completely seen, heard and special. I want them to look back on their photo and remember that time. Remember in a tough time that they felt amazing, alive, comfortable in their own skin. I want them to remember the confidence they had being in front of a camera- which is hard to do. And with any luck have that confidence spill over into their own life. I waited 20 years to chase my dream of being a photographer, I don’t want others to wait that long.

In addition to the thought that a photograph is more than a photograph. With the right compilation of art, light, technology and direction- it can be a story. And if I am lucky enough perhaps one day a master piece. While a regular photo does tell a story. A photograph that tells a story of a future dream or goal can be an opportunity to focus on and make that dream a reality. A photograph that tells of a tough time can be an opportunity to communicate something that words cannot.

In conclusion as I look in the mirror after these two occurences I am not upset. I will, and have already learned something from each interaction. I also beleive that putting good juju out into the universe will come back full circle. And while my self value, and value as a photographer has come a long way I will continue to evaluate as opportunities like this arise. Was I feeling a drop in self value? Where do I need to improve? I do have to wonder if the client that ghosted me last week was a reflection on me ghosting myself at times. I will do better.

As for the photography industry. I hope this beautiful industry will be around for years to come. I am looking for ways to authentically use AI in a way that accentuates my goals for photography clients, not takes away from it. I think I can safely say right now that AI is not, nor will it ever be a substitute for how someone feels in and after a session. Then looking back on the picture thinking- wow! I did that! But I do think there is a distinction between a photographer and a story teller, a light worker, a master of their craft that is not being made. The public will not see the value of that until we see it ourselves, and we show them.

Notes on Confidence

It took me over 20 years to chase my dreams of being a portrait photographer.

A big reason for that was lack of confidence. Confidence in myself. Confidence that it was the right decision. Confidence that I had what it took. Confidence that I had what it took to produce profesisonal portraits of other people… after all you should see some of my early work. But overall it took me time to learn to go after what I wanted. To have the confidence to stand up and say- yes, I want this.

It was probably ten years ago that I started talking about stopping photography all together. The equipment I had purchased was pretty much gathering dust in a corner. I had little to no clients to speak of for several reasons… but one being it helps if you have confidence to tell people you are a photographer.

As I have mentioned in other blog posts one of those turning points was meeting another photographer by the name of Sue Bryce. Sue not only spoke about providing value with photography, making a difference with it and the technicalities of the trade- but she spoke about her confidence. I remember her telling a story of walking along the beach repeating to herself saying that she was a portrait photographer. This stuck with me because for a long time I struggled to talk to people, let alone inform them I was a portrait photographer.

I have learned several things regarding confidence and would like to share the following three stories.

Courage and then Confidence

The first is that confidence is more of a destination, a way of being. It is not something we are always going to have 100% of the time. For instance while I may have developed a confidence about photography if you sat me next to Mark Seliger or Annie Leibovitz (2 famous photographers) I am pretty sure my confidence would go out the window.

In the fall of 2020 I had the opportunity to travel to Coco Rocha’s model camp in New York as the guest photographer. At the time I had only photographed a handful of models in Utah and had never met, let alone watched a model work that was near the caliber of Coco. I also knew that going to this model camp it was likely I would be one of the older people there, and likely much bigger than everyone else. Both proved to be true.

I chose to go, despite my hesitations for a couple of different reasons. The main one being that one does not first ‘have’ confidence. First one must have courage to do the hard thing and then they may gain confidence from the experience that they carry on to the next.

While I did not have the confidence to photograph someone like Coco I knew I could have the courage to show up. And while I hate to admit that most of the pictures are blurry- I showed up. I had experiences I will never forget and experiences that continue to impact me, and give me confidence to this day.

The Edge of Your Comfort Zone

There is a saying that says something like life begins at the edge of your comfort zone. Maybe I have that quote incorrect but I think for most it is terror begins at the edge of your comfort zone. Okay, maybe not terror. But there is a reason that most of us stay in our comfort zones. It is, as the name denotes comfortable and as humans we tend to avoid discomfort. But here is the thing. What if you pictured your comfort zone as a dark center where you are most comfortable and then a gradient as you go out, further away from the center? What if, instead of taking a huge big flying leap out of your comfort zone, you just started with a step? Would you look at it differently? Would your life be different?

As a photographer in Utah I have been told that we have the highest number of photographers per capita. Warms your heart right up to know there is a bunch of competition… right? But most of the photographers in Utah don’t charge that much and I used to be one of them (but my work wasn’t any good then either).

As I was learning more about photography and my business I was learning about charging more. All the things come when you consider a price change. Who am I to charge that much? Am I worth it? Do I provide enough value? What if people cannot pay me?

While there are many discussions we can get into with the above story at the time I was charging people I don’t remember how much per photo…. something like $25. It generally worked better for me than most around me because people bought what they liked and ended up spending more with me than they would another average photographer. But I was still undercharging.

The challenge with increasing my skill as a photographer was to also increase how much I was charging. It sounded completely crazy to me to go from charging what I was to how much some other photographers were charging, like $250 per image (and more). I was not comfortable with it. My feelings as a business owner and skills as a photographer had not caught up.

Instead of throwing the idea in the trash I decided to take a small step outside my comfort zone. Sue Bryce provided a range of acceptable prices in a class she taught and I put myself square at the bottom of that range. Then as my comfort grew and my skills as a photographer improved little by little I increased my prices.

Maybe I could have quickly increased my prices and been successful, maybe not. But the point here is that if you ever feel hesitant about taking that first step outside your comfort zone… maybe look for ways to make it a smaller step.

Borrow Confidence

One of my goals for people I photograph is that hopefully they walk out of the studio with a bit more life confidence than when they came in. Having your picture taken, especially in a professional studio setting can be a difficult situation for many. And having a successful experience can help build confidence, not only in you as a person- but in other ways in life.

Most of my childhood I had comments on my boy legs. No, I was not blessed with little twig legs like most girls my age. I did not like this as ended up wearing pants or long skirts most of the time to try and hide them. One time my grandma was painting a picture of me rock climbing and someone asked if that was her grandson. Mortifying.

Fast forward to a few years ago when I started doing self portraits. I decided to do a picture with my legs in it. When I first started self portraits, I frequently avoided full body shots. I ended up dancing to Imagine Dragons and have this fabulous picture of me jumping… with my legs in it.

This picture helped give me some confidence about my legs. It helped give me evidence that my legs were fine… they were still jumping after I had fallen over moments before trying another pose (ha ha). This confidence has transferred back into the way I dress, even how I see myself.

I have also had other clients tell me that the confidence from their session has transferred to other ways of their life. I have encouraged coaching clients to consider their experiences of confidence if they are ever nervous about something. Almost to psyche themselves up to try their goal. I find that most of the time we can do what we set out to do. We just need any kind of a boost to take the first step and if you can borrow confidence from a previous experience- do it.

I know from experience confidence can seem a bit elusive, perhaps a never ending journey. But the by having the courage, to take that small step, and borrow confidence when I need it… has helped me move further along in my business and life than it would have otherwise.

Mother’s Day

A confession for you.

Sometimes I have hated being a mom. Sometimes I have felt like the situation dealt to me has been not fair. I have felt like I am not equal to the task. And it is not at all what I imagined. Both the good and the rough.

But it has made me who I am.

How to be confident

Before being a mom I had a long time dream of being a photographer. However there were a few problems. I was too afraid to tell anyone I was a photographer and I felt like I could not take good photos of people. The possibility of disappointing them was always too great to even start. I also thought I would never be any good, not make any money at it, it was not a realistic dream… and I could keep going. Perhaps if I had a dollar for every reason I gave myself that I could not be a photographer, or now was not the right time or this was holding me back.

That changed through my experience of being a mom.

I was talking to my sister the other day and she mentioned that she thought I always seemed confident. I get why she says that but at the same time, that was a no. From I don’t know where- I have always had a prety high drive for accomplishment and perfection. Well with that pretty high standard comes alot of fear of failure and insecurities about messing up. With time I had learned to identify specifically what I wanted and how to get there- so yes it appeared as confidence… but I had barriers up.

Motherhood tore those barriers down.

No longer was it working my hardest to get a faster swim time than I did last time. Or impress my boss- yet again for another raise. I worked as hard as the professionals told me- and then some. Today my child speaks few words and still has difficulty toileting. I have never told anyone how big of a failure that felt like. Scrolling through social media and seeing all my friends out there, conquering the world with their kids and for us we were lucky to make it out of the house.

I could no longer just work hard and have world approved accomplishments to show for it. I had to redefine me. I had to redefine success. Mostly I had to redefine everything.

Last week a smart young woman asked me after the BARE class where did I get my confidence. To summarize I got it after I was in a situation that demanded I figure things our- or I drown.

Now I am not saying I have things figured out completely… but I have a bit more of it figured out. After what I would offer is an incredibly unique mothering experience I have more appreciation and finally a direction I want to go. I have felt more confident in myself and my capabilities than… I don’t remember when. Not that I have to be perfect but if I give it my all, hopefully help someone else and if I was human for a moment- that works for me.

How to advocate

There is little else I know of that will teach you how to advocate than raising a special needs child. Now I always kind of took the approach of do it and ask foregiveness later. But what if your child’s health depends on you speaking up? What if you know your child needs assistance and you don’t have money in your bank account to cover? What if you know that the professional in front of you- is in the wrong?

Through motherhood I learned to advocate for me AND them. All of the above statements about me fighting for my child are absolute truth. Only in the last year did I sit across from professionals at a local hospital asking me what I would do to start an autism service line. This coming after years of fighting for my child to be seen and treated equally as another child would.

For me I learned that if I wanted something, no one was coming to give it to me- not even my husband. And this especially included my happiness. I could not wait for other people to figure it out, and then I would pursue my dreams. I could not wait for my son’s medical condition to sort itself out and then be happy. I needed to figure out how to uphold myself as a person, while being a mom.

This also came in handy with my business and the pursuit of photography. For example there have been many times I have put off signing up for large coaching programs. They are usually expensive but some up with a time requirements and are limited to a certain time length of support. That may work great for the usual person but for me it generally takes me 2-4 times longer to do anything than someone else due to my schedule. While I occaisionally get frustrated with it I have learned to be okay with it. Just just last week I asked the owner of this particular class if we could chat at the end and perhaps, if needed we could extend the length of time I was in the support group- just to give me some extra time and they said yes.

I would like to note here that I am not advocating as if I am the only thing that matters. But to mom’s out there I have once upon a time felt like I lost myself- and giving myself some time and care I felt like I got that back. I am also not advocating that you expect everything for free. But there are people out there that see you and want to help.

How to love

The biggest one for me is love. Never has my heart sung before like it has in moments with my kids. And never before have I been able to bring myself to tears as quickly as I can with certain subjects close to my kids.

This has helped me better relate to others. This has helped me better relate to clients, to want to check in on them, to want to love on them.

Not love in that way… but to text a client after hearing that her son passed. To have a surprise birthday cake show up when I know we are shooting on a clients birthday. To drop in an extra photo.

I love surprising clients. I genuinely love photography. I love what I do. My flow is now built on this. My goal is to pass it on to others.

Motherhood is absolutely not what I expected. It has been hard and it has been amazing. But it is in large part the reason I am standing here today. It is the reason my photography has any depth. It is the reason I found myself. It is the reason I keep going. Thank you to N and D. I absolutely adore you.

Photography Pricing and Good Juju

It has taken me a few years to figure out that certain actions create bad juju for business and some create good juju. It has take a few trials and I am still learning, but for the most part I try to make choices that lead me to good juju.

Now as a quick disclaimer you will probably hear several different definitions of the word ‘juju’. If you look it up on Google, Wikipedia provides the following:

juju (countable and uncountable, plural jujus) (countable) A fetish or charm believed by West Africans to have magical or supernatural powers. (uncountable) The magical or supernatural power of such a charm. (informal) The (usually negative) karmic consequences of an action or behavior. That's some bad juju.

For me I simply look at juju as an energy flow and I try to focus my actions on ones that will create good juju, instead of bad.

Recently on social media I have seen posts from other creatives trying various approaches to justify why they charge so much. While first I would like to acknowledge that what people term as charging an arm and a leg can vary from one person to the next… I personally feel like I do not want to replicate the post for my business. It is a type of energy that I feel does not create the type of juju I want.

Creating Good Juju- Serving Clients

Not many people know this but I almost gave up photography about 10 years ago. I was not feeling satisfaction with my work and most of it felt flat… as I sure was the feeling of my clients walking away from those sessions. It was not rewarding at all.

Contrast that with just the other day and a client commented on one of her pictures I posted that this session had been the highlight of her life. Clients that I have come back to me because they loved the work I did. Or commenting that the session was a nice experience for them as a couple, the cues were an opportunity to express appreciation for each other and play. Other clients have also become close friends.

About the time when I considered giving up my photo business is when I met a photographer (virtually) by the name of Sue Bryce. What I took from her was to provide clients with an experience, to add value to the sesssion.

Now and forever I am continually looking for ways to provide value to clients. Whether that is surprising them with a birthday cake mid session, their favorite treat or song or dancing with them to their favorite song. A photo has become a story, an event, a triumph- and in some cases a legacy.

I took some of what Sue Bryce said to add value and brought in more ideas of my own. Yes, it adds to the session work but I am okay with that. My goal is to help a client feel cxomfortable in the camera, to feel their most confident and love the final product. I feel if I can help a client with a little bit of their confidence that might carry out into the rest of their life. Maybe next time they see a photo of themselves, they will not immediately resort to dislike of their image but rather have a new perspective.

Once I started providing value beyond the photograph good juju flows. One lesson I have learned is that money is exchanged equal to value. My photography, nor my way of going about it is for everyone. But for the people that it is for, that value is there. They recognize it. I recognize it. And together we create and expand the good juju.

It is not my place to judge and I wish you well.

One thing that has inevitably happened are some unfortunate experiences. Experiences where someone outright tells me no, sometimes followed by criticism. Other times where people tell me yes and then completely ghost me for whatever reason. And then other times where we make it all the way to end and that urge to request a discount or other statements leave probably both of us feeling deflated and turning the experience sour.

I have learned that I don’t control other people, I can only control what I do. I have also learned, having a situation that most people will never understand sometimes we just don’t know why people act the way they do- and I don’t have the energy to judge.

It still gets me sometimes in these situations, even for a minute- but it gets easier. Just the other day I had a person reach out to me indicating they wanted a headshot session and scheduled an appointment on my calendar. I called at the appointed time and they did not answer. I texted after saying I hoped everything was okay and they texted back saying sorry they were at lunch. This should have been my warning sign, and it usually is.

I let this person reschedule the appointment. The appointment happened and we agreed upon a date and next steps. I sent a follow up email and invoice for the session fee. Then nothing. I finally texted this person a few days later and they said that another photographer had offered them a free session.

Yes, there was a moment of frustration. Doesn’t this person know the time I spent crafting the email with next steps, on the phone with them, entering their information into the system? Luckily that is where I stopped here but there have been other clients I have gone much further on session prep only to have them back out.

But luckily I have learned. The voice in my head said let them go, wish them well and something else will come along. And come along it did. A previous client called for the same type of shoot less than a week later. I don’t know why this person ghosted me- twice. Perhaps this was also an experience they needed to have, I don’t know. But I quickly chose to redirect my energy towards happy business generating activities and it came back to me as it always does.

What I post on social media

First of all a disclaimer that I am no social media pro. But there was a time in my life where I wish people had opened up a bit more to help me through something. What I had gone through… and no one saying me too… left me feeling like the only idiot that could not figure out my situation. And it added to the issue.

I am not about sharing all the dirty laundry on social media… but I do appreciate when people share the real picture, rather than the perfectly curated one. I live in a situation that few will ever understand and I have experienced all the feels and more that come with it. In the middle of it all I have held down a job that was in many ways a lifeline for our family and worked on my self and my photography to build a business. I have been saying I want to be a photographer since I was 12 and it has taken me over 20 years to get serious about that dream. If I can help anyone with the self doubt, self image, confidence, overwhelm and everything else I have let stand in my way- that is what I want to share on social media.

I feel like my clients will be attracted to me for the value I provide. For who I am and what I give. I have no control over others money situations and if they feel I may charge too much or not- and that is fine, it is not my situation. But when I have a client and we can love on each other with good times in the studio, compensation, intermittent texts to check on one another when they are going through something, friendship… I could go on. That is what I am here for. Those clients saw something in me and I am so glad we found each other. To me that is what matters. The value I provide will be recognized- but not by me telling you to recognize it.

Make Mistakes and Make Them Fast

There is a saying in business called ‘fail fast’. Fail fast means get your first product out. Get experience on that product, refine it and put out an even better project. Teams that have done this generally find much more success than teams that perfect their product, often take longer and then usually put out a product that misses the mark with the users. The reason the first one is so superior to the second, perfection route is because they are gaining experience with the user.

A little confession though? I wish they taught this in elmentary- or earlier.

I don’t know anything about the education system but from early on, perfection is a goal. Get the problem right, get an A. Write a good paper, get another A. Do the project, exactly how the teachers asked, and keep those A’s coming.

I kind of feel like I grew up with perfection. Some from school. Some of it from… I don’t know where. But there were many years I stood still wanting to be perfect. And by waiting to be perfect- I did not do anything or move towards my goal.

What I lost by not making mistakes

For many years I had a goal of being a photographer. Other than being super shy initially and not wanting to tell people I was a photographer I wanted to be the perfect photographer before I went out and took pictures of people. The thing about this logic though is that I was not going to get any better… until I took those bad pictures of people. Waiting for myself to be the perfect photographer cost me YEARS.

With being a photographer comes being a business owner. Aside from photography I had no idea how to run a business. I would hear about things like Facebook ads so I would try them for about 5 days and then shut them off because they were not producing anything. Then come to find out later that Facebook ads (and others) can take alot of testing. You have to test that you have the best headline, then the best image, then the best content. Then if those are converting but you are not getting the traction from your goal like a lead page- you have to fix you lead page and that could be a whole host of other options to fix.

To be honest I don’t care too much or get excited about the tinkering- but it is amazing when it works. And I missed out on it working for years because I was not tinkering, making mistakes and figuring out the best product. I just tried an ad for 5 days and stopped. I am sure I have missed out on much business due to this delay.

You are not alone fearing mistakes

Circling back to my fear of not being the perfect photographer… as I learned more and more from other photographers I heard them talk about the fear. If they were photographing a celebrity, they might feel nervous or pressure. I remember specifically hearing one photographer mentioned there were so nervous photographing a president of the United States that almost all of their pictures were blurry.

I was like- Oh you too? You share that fear? And you are one of my favorite photographers that is not letting the fear of perfection from stopping them? Okay, then I can do it.

I say all this because I think alot of us are waiting for perfection to show up at the door. I think we are waiting for that magical burst and awareness of the perfect self image to show up. For motivation to come charging through the door. To know how to make $1 million dollars. When in reality none of us know what we are doing and none of us are perfect. It has been my observation that the ones winning the game- the ones with the great business, the ones with that seemingly amazing confidence or self image. They are the ones that are still playing it. They are making mistakes. And they are still going.

I hope whatever you have in your life you will know that making mistakes is okay and it does not mean anything about you as a person. If you have tried one photographer and did not like the photos- maybe it was a bad photographer. Try a different one. If you have a business idea in your head and are holding back because who are you? Well who aren’t you.

I used to get soooo upset by mistakes. But I have found it much easier to move along faster by being willing to make them. And I have found it much easier to learn and move on from them by knowing that generally there is a great lesson here. And maybe similar to how Thomas Edison says it- I am learning 10 thousand ways to not be human.

Introducing BARE: Bold, Authentic, Raw and Empowering

Self Image seems to be a bit of a tricky thing. I am not saying that I am the poster child of self image and I definitely have seen clients struggle with it. But what I do feel I have gotten better at is managing it in a way that works for me.

A long time ago I thought about giving up photography because the process had become flat and so were the results. That was until I (virtually) met a woman named Sue Bryce that encouraged us to turn the photo session into an experience. To give women an opportunity to see themselves differently. Adding to that, later I (virtually) met another photographer, Kara Marie who also had a focus on giving clients the experience of feeling beautiful and comfortable in their own skin. Each of these photographers have different approaches… but accomplished the same thing of giving people a moment to feel beautiful about themselves, as they were. And I loved it.

Soon after that I discovered a world of therapeutic photography, life coaching with photography and mindfulness with photography. It suddenly clicked for me as to why I liked photography since I was a kid- I felt good taking pictures as a kid because photography essentially is an exercise in mindfulness. I dove in to other topics and started playing in the studio. I could combine my skills as a life coach with photography and really make an impact on individuals I worked with. In fact, one client told me their significant other noticed a continued positive change 2 days after the shoot.

As I have mentioned in previous blog posts I have not always been perfect with self image, self confidence and so on. But hearing this new idea of conducting a session as an experience, to make an impact on others, and then learn there is a whole field around this- I love it. And I am so grateful for the opportunity I have had so far to help others… but I want to do more. Beyond the session. Beyond feeling good for a moment. Can photography be a skill to help others with their self image, manage anxiety and so on? Can a photograph taken in a session be a reference point for a self growth milestone?

So introducing BARE. Bold, Authentic, Raw and Empowering.

I wanted to have groups where women support each other on self image. I want to have a coaching program that help others accomplish their dreams they are holding back on. I want a magazine that shows real people, real beauty- real humans. I want to start a movement. I love people showing who they are. I love people showing their depth. I love people showing who they are in all phases of life, with blemish. To be human is beautiful.

Bold

This is not the scream from the rooftops, in your face kind of bold. More of the quiet, beat to your own drum kind of bold. I love that people that think different, do different, are not afraid of it and could care less what you think about it.

Authentic

Who are you? Not what ‘science’ says. Not what society says. And maybe not even what your mom says. I love people that look in the face of what society says they should be, and say no thank you. I once heard a talk from 2 people that from what science says, should no longer be here but are. They also said no thank you. Who are you? But perhaps more importantly who do you want to become that is authentic to you? I think there is an art to authenticity that is about learning and following what is you, without apology and not what others say.

Raw

Who are you behind closed doors? Could your mess help someone else? How is your mess helping shape you? I have personally had a time in my life where I sought the input of others and I think my story could have been different if others were open to me about their similar struggles. I would not have felt so alone. Note this is not a suggestion to shout your woes from the rooftops or climb to the bottom of the victim barrel. It is a suggestion that we do have more of a shared experience than we realize and I believe by sharing the struggle, and the triumphs- we help each other.

Empowering

I once heard someone say that the best bosses are those that encourage you to improve so much, you outgrow them and leave their team. I want to empower others for positive changes in their own lives. I wants others to empower others.

My mom used to tell us when we were little that we could not change the world, but we could start by changing our little corner. Well not to completely disagree with my mom but I do think there are some people that have changed the world by changing their little corner of it. This is my desire to change my little corner. And offer it to you. To hope like a ripple of water that it spreads. I hope that whether or not you join us for a BARE experience- that you can share goodness with the world. Bold. Authentic. Raw. Empowering.

The first BARE experience is May 6 at 7pm. Sign up here.

You Are Worthy of a Beautiful Portrait… and More

Something I hear a lot is a person does not want pictures because they do not think they will look good in them. I hear anxiety about this in the studio. I hear anxiety about this in the portrait selection session. In fact just over a week ago I was showing a client their pictures and they stated ‘wow, those aren’t bad’. I smiled back and told the client I loved hearing that my pictures ‘aren’t bad’. The client quickly qualified they were talking about themselves.

It is my personal goal to help a client feel as comfortable as possible in front of the camera to be themselves. If I can manage to get a client in the studio, the situation mentioned above repeats itself- a lot. Why are we so surprised that we might have good pictures of ourselves? Why do people eliminate themselves before they even give themselves the opportunity? And in general- why might we feel not worthy of other things in life? Worthy of great relationships, worthy of success, worthy of love.

Principle: What You Think Generally Manifests

I know someone that has been through several jobs. And I noticed a trend. They would enter a job and be quick to start complaining and note everything they thought was wrong or unfair about the job and quickly be asked to leave the job. Conversely I remember someone telling me about a famous person once would tell himself that they had truckloads of gold coming to them. Well if I heard this correctly… this person is Tony Robbins

Perhaps you are thinking- that doesn’t correlate at all. But truly if you are picking at what is wrong, that is all you see. If you are thinking that everything is expensive and money is hard to come by that is where your thinking will lead you. This happens because our actions are based on what we are thinking and feeling.

In the studio I personally try to get you away from worrying about being in front of the camera. I try to get away from you worrying about what you look like and just having fun. We plan your session ahead of time so we can get to know each other and you know what is going to happen. This action then leads to more relaxation on the day of the shoot.

You Are More Than What Society Says

Society has a lens (a lens, get it? ha ha)…. but really they do have a lens. They have a lens of what is beautiful, who is on the A list and who is not. There are several narratives to the tune that if you have a certain characteristic this means that you are this way. If you have had this type of experience or choice, that means you are a certain type person. I recently met a person that has been sober for 2 years. And while he has made an amazing comeback story- he does not want to be known for it. While these stories have very much shaped us and our direction, they are not who we are.

It seems with all of these stories, and their incredible amount of supporting media, it is easy to get trapped into them saying ‘I have this, so I am this’. They have this so they are that. But there is so much more that creates each of us. So what if you have wrinkles? So what if you do not have the perfect shape? Are you working on yourself? Are you kind? I think it is easy for us to look at the media and narratives around us and think - I could not be that beautiful. I would never be able to be successful because of ‘X’. Well- why not? Have you tried?

Quitting Before You Fail

A few years ago I heard a podcast about quitting before you fail. My mouth dropped open. How many leaders tell a child or young person ‘it’s okay, it’s too hard, you don’t have to do it’. Now I am not talking about torturing people. But how much are we training young kids that it is completely okay to give up on something they want or will help them?

For example, one time I was talking to someone about a business idea and suggested some social media and Facebook ads. This person immediately gave me ten reasons why it would not work. Okay maybe, some of the reasons mentioned were valid- but I asked them how to do you know until you try? Quitting is not the same as failing and I think it is often confused as the same thing. And I think quitting on something you want, something that would benefit you is just that- quitting.

Perhaps you have tried to have good pictures, perhaps you have tried to start a business and in your mind failed at both. But other people have had success- and I don’t know a single person that has aced anything their first time. So if you really want it, change up your strategy and try again.

I think we need to give ourselves more credit and more opportunity. Consider for a moment how your life would be different if you said yes just 10% more often instead of no. So what if you fail the first, second or third time. If you dig deep enough plenty of people have failed…lived and did it again to success.

“I know I’m somebody cause God don’t make no junk”

This was one of my favorite quotes when I was younger and it has stuck with me. Hopefully a few of the logical approaches from above would help you find something to start with in regards to feeling worthy. I would offer from my personal experience when I started to say ‘why not me’ or yes’ and being okay to failure (or some call it learning) my world really opened up. I learned what I was capable and worthy of- and am still learning. Then as the quote mentions- good day or bad, mistakes or triumphs, not so good in the mirror or amazing- you are worthy now. You are ‘somebody, cause God don’t make no junk’.

Why a Mission of Self Confidence, Self Image and Self Realization?

Well the short answer to why I have a mission of helping others with their self image, self realization and self confidence is because for a long time- I did not have it. In fact just ten years ago I had a photography business, but if you asked most people that knew me they would have no idea because I was too scared to tell them.

In general I managed to muster my way through many things in life… but underneath I was a ball of nerves. One time my husband told them I would say the prayer in church and I cried after due to the anxiety. I think I tried to follow the society plan- go to college, get married etc not because there is anything wrong with it but because I lacked alot of confidence to forge my own path.

I graduated over 20 years ago and since have accumulated 3 college degrees… none of them being photography. Honestly I have had multiple varied interests but I did not know anyone who had made a living as a photographer and most people said it could not be done.

Fast forward a few years into marriage, kids and autism. My life was stressful and I did not have hours of my days that I could disappear into the pool or the mountains. I ended up circling back to photography because as a child I remembered that it felt good. As it turns out photography is an exercise in mindfulness and this was a starting point for me to learn so much about myself through photography.

Photography is a great opportunity for self discovery

It is an interesting experience to stand in front of a camera. The object is going to record you… how? In a good way? Or maybe not so good? Is it going to capture you in a way that will propagate some type of self reconciliation?

Like most photographers I thoroughly enjoyed being behind the camera… until I attended a model camp put on by Coco Rocha in New York City. Coco is the type of model that you want to applaud after she is done. It is amazing to watch- but even more was the experience watching the models learn their art and then produce beautiful work on the final day of camp. In truth, it looked cool I wanted a small piece of that experience.

When I came home I started experimenting with my own self portraits. What I did find, first of all is that modeling is hard work. Not only is it physical but it is a skill to present yourself in a variety of desirable ways in front of a camera. Most of my pictures went to the cutting room floor, so to speak. But what I did learn is what I really looked like. I learned more about what I liked about myself and I learned that some of those things I feared… such as my boy legs maybe were not that bad. I even started posting pictures that were nothing of what you would consider shareable- goggle lines anyone? I also started expressing myself through pictures stress that I felt that was otherwise incredibly difficult to communicate to a world largely unfamiliar with autism. It all was incredibly freeing.

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It took me 20+ years to follow my dream of being a photographer

As alluded to… it took me awhile to follow my dreams of being a photographer. To add more here I felt incredibly unworthy to take beautiful pictures. I felt that I was not capable. And together these stories created years being too scared to tell people I was a photographer. Years that I photographed food because I was too scared to talk to people.

I do have to mention that while it took me 20 years- I don’t regret it. While there was many things I learned I think the biggest lesson I learned during that time was how to relate to others and go after I wanted, no matter what. My son taught me that.

My son has autism, and to no fault of his own it has been a rough road. If I wanted to learn something I have sometimes flown across the country to learn it. And given our bank account situation I have often had to get creative with the funds to make it happen. When something did not work with our son I had to revamp what we were doing and pivot. I wish I could tell you that I have been the perfect parent but as you know kids do not come with instruction manuals, especially a kid that still barely says 10 words and is considered low functioning by many professionals. Like many a great professional I got (and still get) knocked down and have learned to get back up again. Over and over.

My favorite thing my son with autism has taught me is relating to others. I know, I just told you he barely speaks 10 words. But they say most of our communication is body language and what he has taught me is a masterclass in relating to and reading people. One story that comes to mind is I think it was last year that I was photographing at a modeling camp and I was photographing with a projector as a light and I could tell the model was uncomfortable. I finally stopped the shoot and asked her what was up. She told us she had recently had an eye procedure and was sensitive to the bright light of the projector. I stopped the shoot immediately.

But even more than this I don’t mind saying and owning that I am a portrait photographer. While there is a small part in my mind that says I am not on par with Annie Leibovitz I know that is okay. I don’t have to be Annie and even though I am not, I can still make a positive impact on myself and others through photography. So while it took me 20+ years to follow my dreams… I don’t wish that on others. My hope is that if I can help you with the confidence of having your portrait taken in a studio, that can translate to other areas of your life and hopefully the courage to chase your dreams.

I think there is work for our society to do regarding a positive self image

No one need look further than social media or headlines on what the ideal self image is, how you should feel about yourself or what the latest product is that you should be trying. And subsequently there are many out there taking it all in… in healthy and not so healthy ways.

I love the to think of how different our world would be if we all put our efforts to good. You could also think how different would our world be if more people had the courage, positive self image and confidence to chase their dreams? I think this world is filled with alot of good people and many people with dreams that currently feel hampered from chasing them for a variety of confidence related reasons.

In conclusion I have been there. I have not felt confident to chase my dreams. I have looked in the mirror and thought ‘I can’t’. Since then I have heard numerous other women follow suit. I know I can’t force a change in someone’s mind. But perhaps, to use photography speak, I can help shine a light on their strengths or help readjust their focus to the light- that it will not take you 20 years to follow a dream. Or maybe just to know that today, you are worth it.

Why a Consultation Prior to Your Session?

Part of our process for every photo session at Akoma Studios includes a consultation, at least for the first time you shoot with us and I sometimes get the question- why? Or at least pushback because they feel in a hurry or that it is unnecessary. I would like to take a minute to share with you why I feel the consultation is an important piece of what I do and why it kept me from quitting photography.

Ten years ago I was what they called a shoot and burn photographer. I called it a ‘let’s shoot at the park at nine’. I have no idea what you are wearing. I have little to no idea of what you want, who you are and what you will be using the photos for. I also have no connection with you prior to putting a camera in front of your face where you feel self conscious and probably a bit nervous.

The results of these photo sessions were, I would say sub par. Sure I had clients that seemed to like their photos. But there was still a general emptiness to the photos. They were definitely not winning awards. From what I know today they likely would not be judged as a professional standard. But the biggest thing for me was there was no impact. It was an empty process, and not very rewarding- for either party.

I was actually ready to give up photography- because it was an empty process. I felt I was moving onto other things… and then I ran into Sue Bryce. While I took many concepts from Sue the consultation was a game changer for my photo sessions… in many ways.

Let’s get on the same page for your photo session

Ideally if you follow my photography you may have an idea of my style. Unfortunately I would say my style is more of the connection I have with the clients that shines through for a relaxed, fun or other portrait. I LOVE playing around with different types of light- bright and airy, traditional, color lights and so on. And depending on what you want- I could potentially use any of those lights depending on your style, the story you want to tell and even where you want to use the photographs. For instance if you have a brand that is bright, your website and a lighter color pallette and perhaps a white back drop- you probably would not care if I took the following picture for you as it does not meet your needs.

A consultation gives us a chance to get on the same page. We review visuals and what stands out to you. I gather your input on the story you want to tell, not only with visuals but also with words. Most importantly I am getting to know you.

The better the connection, the better the photographs

Getting your picture taken is not always the most fun and unless you are a professional model I am going to guess it is not at the top of your list of fun things to do. Then add to that the person taking your pictures is likely a stranger, or maybe you vaguely know them. It does not help put your mind at ease in a situation where you might be nervous.

A consultation for me is more than a review of visuals and your goal with the photos. It is a chance for us to meet without the camera present. A chance for me to see if there is something I can connect with you during the session. It is an opportunity for you to get to know me better and see that my goal is truly- your best you in the session.

I don’t recall where but I remember reading that many of the great photographers focus on spending as much time with their subject as possible, because this connection is key. While they and I can still take a picture in 5 minutes, and the ability to connect does improve over time I have found that a consultation is very valuable to create a plan for the photo session so that on the day- you can sit back and relax because you know the plan. And you know the person behind the lens- has your back.

Planning always equals better results

If you are like most of us you have probably visited the grocery store and seen several magazines at check out with several gorgeous pictures. While many of these pictures are likely highly produced and manipulated there is generally one constant- planning. They did not show up one day and say lets take a picture. They had to arrange for hair and make up, wardrobe, location, assistants and so on. While we do not shoot that large for individual clients, why not take a page out of the professionals playbook. I would offer that planning across many industries lead to better results. No, you cannot plan for everything- but at least it gives us a better starting point and a better opportunity for better results.

I have loved consultations since I started doing them, even for headshots. No, it does not make alot of monetary sense for me to do the consultation for a headshot, and I have even thought about getting rid of them. But I love them. I know to many people photographer’s just push a button but I hope to let you know that to many of us it is so much more than that. I love the positive impact my sessions now have with clients. I love the beautiful imagery we create together. But even more than that- I love connecting with other humans. Many that I am now lucky enough to call friends.

Why Don’t We Like Pictures of Ourselves?

One of the most common comments I get from potential clients is they don’t like pictures of themselves. This is then followed by a general list with comments on their wrinkles, their size, their hair, their whatever… you get my point.

But here is the thing. Why is that? What is wrong with your wrinkles? For as long as I can remember- that is what happens when you get old. And as far as I know- we all get to age. So why is this so shocking?

As far as weight. If you don’t like how big you are, why don’t we do something about it versus erase your history by eliminating any pictures of you? Or perhaps there is something deeper going on? Note: I myself am over weight and I am aware there may be some medical conditions that make losing weight more difficult.

Well… I am no psychologist. But based off of my own personal experience photographing clients over the years and not always loving how I look in a picture… here are some thoughts.

A photograph is reflection of our appearance- not who we are

Here is something most photographers don’t tell you. Depending on the settings of a camera, the angle of a lens, light and posing I can make you look thin or bigger. I can make a head bigger than it is, I could make your wrinkles seem to be much less and so on. My point here is that often times a simple snapshot may not actually be a reflection of your physical being.

But what I want you to know is this. While a photograph my show you in an instance of time- it is not who you are or who you have to be. I think I have looked at a photo of myself and thought- I am bigger than I want to be. Most society logic would say that I am big, therefore I am lazy about eating, exercising and health in general. The truth is that I generally prefer health foods. The truth is also that I work extremely hard at caring for my family. I love taking care of photo clients. I love helping others see themselves in a different light.

You don’t get all that from a picture. What others may think of a photo is what they think. You know the truth. You know that you are alot of things, more than what is reflected in just a photo. But I would offer we have just a great opportunity for self discovery in snapshots, our own photos and those taken by a professional photographer.

What you see in the photograph is probably different than what’s in your head.

Some time ago I was listening to someone talk about looking in the mirror and adding up all the things they did not like about themselves. I thought to myself- I don’t have that problem. Then the more I thought about it I realized I was not even looking in the mirror. I could for sure list some problems. I have been overweight since I had kids. I have never liked the dark circles under my eyes. And for some reason my acne is present at age 40 because… because why?

So here is the thing. I was not looking in the mirror. I was not watching the change and I definitely was not caring for myself in the process. In my mind I still looked like a high school athlete or at least the girl in college that still worked out alot. Who was this person and how did I get here?

As it turns out I did not like that reflection because it was something different in my head. It was not something I had given time to- in terms of how I looked or if it was something I wanted to do anything about.

Lean towards compassion, instead of shame

As mentioned just like most of my clients I can rattle off a list of things that bug. The hardest thing for me has been the weight. I know why it is there. I have had alot of stress that I have not handled in the best way. I could lean into shame and unfortunately, some people have for me. I had one person tell me they were ‘surprised’ I used to road bike seeing my figure today. While this is something that I definitely recommend not repeating in any form to any person, I would offer this is already repeating in some form in our heads.

Instead I have tried compassion. I have kept a roof over my family’s head. I have kept my son alive, when there have been a few times it was a challenge. Congratulations to me I am human. And a human with feelings at that. I am not going to handle the amount of stress I have had perfectly. To be clear I am not talking about the kind of compassion where I pull out another bag of chocolate (my #1 vice) and throw another pity party. I am talking about the type of compassion that says- I understand. I look at the woman in the mirror and feel kindness for what she has been through. Beauty for what she has endured. And a desire for continual growth into my beautiful self.

Pictures can appear scary but they can also be wonderful opportunities to learn, shine light on what scares us and have physical proof of life, growth and opportunity. Whether my studio or someone else’s- I hope you have the opportunity to see yourself through someone else’s lens. Someone that loves you as you are, see’s beauty in different forms and knows you are worthy-now.

We Need To Talk About Pamela Anderson

I want to talk about Pamela Anderson. Not the Baywatch or other stuff. I want to talk about her recent trend which is no make up, nada. And I am so here for it.

I don’t know why but I just never cared for make up. When I was younger it may very well have been a sensory issue… the small and have different textures and solutions on my face. Now as a mom I have much less time, if I wanted to prioritize it. But I still don’t prioritize it. Why? And why does Pamela Anderson seem to be having so much fun without it? Including campaign work that I would assume is paid? Doesn’t that go against everything we are told about beauty?

For full disclosure I do offer clients the option for hair and make up in the studio. But a tiny confession here? I don’t care if they have it or not. I do realize that it can give certain clients a boost of confidence that might be a little extra tentative in front of the camera. But I also realize (and relate) that it can make some clients a little more uncertain if they are not used to it.

Now I want to elaborate on not being used to it. I think that this can come in 2 forms. The first form is where it physically and mentally makes you uncomfortable. This can be sensory- as when I was younger. Or it could just be you know you have it on and some how you become or feel outside of yourself. Personally I am a strong proponent of you being you in front of the camera.

However, if that ‘not being used to it’ is you wear the make up, then look at your final picture and think that is not me, I am not that pretty. I have personally heard this from more than one woman I have photographed. And more sadly they have had friends comment as such on their pictures. One time when I was wearing make up my daughter told me I looked like a clown (and I had barely any on).

So a few take aways here….

A different definition of beauty

I think what Pamela Anderson is doing with her no make up looks are amazing and I wish more women would do it. I truly feel there is a deeper definition of beauty ignored by the industry and world at large. It is a definition regularly covered up by the beauty and associated industries as they market based on look and generally portraying that you will be enough- with their product or service. That there are things about you that they say are not beautiful and somehow these are the standard.

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To wear make up… or not to wear make up

If you want to wear makeup- great. If you don’t want to wear make up- great. But please do it for the right reasons. Do it in a way that builds you up. But please know you are worthy of and are beautiful now. Even if things are a mess. Have you ever seen an exhausted, worn out mom caring for a child? A child covered in dirt from head to toe, playing with their puppy? A tired grandma caring for their ailing family member? You are worth being seen and loved as you are.

Recognize there are many definitions of beauty.

There is one from the beauty industry, corporate America- largely marketing to you on the basis of an impossible standard and the message you are not enough. Right now as I write this I am over weight. I have not dealt perfectly with the stress of raising an autistic child. But 2 hours ago we sat in the living room teasing each other, smiling, tickling and giving hugs. This is one of the times I have felt most beautiful and I am currently in sweats, hair in a haphazard ponytail and definitely no make up. I wish I could have a picture of those moments. It is a moment in our mess of a life that I feel beautiful and would love to remember forever with a picture. But unfortunately he is not comfortable in front of the camera and I will likely never get that picture and that picture compares to no society beauty standard that I know of.

So make up or no make up. Society definition or your own. I hope that you will look for beauty, recognize it when you see it and not be afraid of it. If you don’t usually wear make up maybe give yourself the opportunity to feel beautiful with makeup. If you don’t usually wear it, perhaps try going with out.