Give Yourself Credit

I don’t know about you but I have had a hard time with this… for a long time. I was raised to not brag or talk about myself. While I think there is some benefit to staying humble and grounded I wonder if this is taken too far- especially when raising girls. For the longest time growing up I loved to accomplish things (and still do)- but I would not give myself credit for anything that I did. Also growing up I had this picture of perfection. I was going to execute life perfectly… and would fall apart when I did not.

I was thinking about this thing, giving yourself credit and self compassion this week as I heard a friend talking about a situation they were struggling with recently and I thought- there is no self compassion here. This is by no means a criticism againt my friend. This is something that is common in the human experience.

According to Google we struggle to be nice to ourselves because this essentially is opening up a couple cans of worms humans do not like to open. First, we do not like to experience emotion. It is our tendency to go away from pain. So if we do not give ourselves the compassion, we do not admit the pain.

We also do not admit the fault. We do not admit that something we did was essentially negative. It is another strong human desire for acceptance and if we admit something that is outside the accepted realm of behavior- we are admitting that we are less than. Perhaps worthy of not being accepted.

But both of these overlook a simple truth of being human. We are human. I used to listen to a life coach, Brooke Castillo that would say life is half bad and half good. While maybe it is not always 50/50 and maybe you look at your neighbor and think it is definitely not 50/50 for them… there is still one take away here. The human experience is not all perfect, positive or good. It is in accepting this fact that I was able to start looking at my life with a bit more compassion of what was going on.

The Friend Test

So how do you change this? How do you stop talking to yourself so negatively when something may not happen as you desire? One of the first things I recognized was the friend test. As I listened to my friend on the phone this weekend I gave this person compassion for what was going on. I also tried to be encouraging.

Think of the last time that you did something that you were upset about. For me I cried in front of some staff at a facility by our house because I was upset with a ‘rule’ they had that was making my situaiton with special needs kids difficult. While the facility actually ended up taking care of us and was incredibly kind… there was a minute where I was upset with myself that I had lost my cool in front of a bunch of adults.

Now picture I as a friend telling you this story. You know that we are stressed regularly with special needs and trying our hardest. Would you (as a friend) criticize me for not having control 100% of the time? Or would you say- hey, its okay we all have bad days? At least it turned out to work? Or something like that? If you look at it logically I think it is somewhat humerous that we speak to our friends better than we do ourselves.

The Truth Bomb

I think the one thing the friend test gets at but doesn’t quite call out is… a different view. Perhaps in most cases the truth.

For instance I got an email last week from my sons doctors office reminding me that it was time to go get labs for his next medication order could be written. For the record I completely spaced it last time and we had to go urgently get them done.

Years ago when we first started on our special needs journey I would be so angry at myself if I forgot anything. I might cry, eat some chocolate, not be productive for the rest of the day and for sure give myself a healthy dose of guilt over the mistake I made.

The truth thoough was that I was working full time, caring for a child with profound special needs, taking care of the house, trying to survive… so the truth was… it was a miracle that I have not forgotten an appointment before then!

The truth here is that most of us are doing the best we can with what we have. I did not forget the appointment on purpose and there was no intent to hurt my son by missing an appointment. So truly, what was there to be mad at? If anything it was a time to take a step back and see if there was anything I needed to adjust- like taking more time for me or making sure my schedule was straight and in one spot.

I have found time and time again in my own life, and listening to others that we do not act on truth. We act on stories that we tell ourselves. And most of the time those stories that we tell ourselves are for the path of least resistance. They are not stories that help us grow, become more resiliant and progress. So when I got the email of needing the labs to reorder the medicine I did not beat myself up. I looked at my schedule and said- this is when we can do it.

Say Thank You

I wanted to circle back to something I said at the beginning and a little challenge. I was raised to be humble and not brag about myself. While I still don’t really do those things I have started to do one thing. Say thank you. If someone compliements me on my photography I say thank you. If someone complements you on your work say thank you. It is a small thing but I think it is a first step. Even if it is uncomfortable hearing someone compliement you- give yourself credit and say thank you.

I bring this up because I think I have done better making self compassion a habit by having a base habit of small steps such as saying thank you. Even if it feels wierd. Even if you feel that maybe the compliment is not correct for whatever reason (I will give you an example)- say thank you.

For example as I have progressed with photography I have more people tell me that my photography is ‘good’. The truth is that yes my photography has improved over the years and it is technically and emotionally better. However… it is not like Annie Leibovitz’s. Or Peter Lindbergh. So even though my definition may differ than theirs (and by the way comparing is not good) the truth is that my photography is better than the average individual. Perhaps I made this person feel amazing in their session. So I simply say ‘thank you’

Well I don’t know if I have convinced you yet that being nice to you is a good thing… but I know it has worked alot for me. And it really stuck out to me this week watching a friend struggle with self compassion towards their respective situation. I think there are alot of us out there with hurt feelings and negative experiences. Just imagine how this world would be different if we all acted on the hope inspired by the friend conversation. Think of how our lives would be different if we gave ourselves a hug at the end of the day instead of a curse. I know my life has changed for the better for it, and I hope yours does too.

I hope you have a wonderful week.