Why a Mission of Self Confidence, Self Image and Self Realization?
Well the short answer to why I have a mission of helping others with their self image, self realization and self confidence is because for a long time- I did not have it. In fact just ten years ago I had a photography business, but if you asked most people that knew me they would have no idea because I was too scared to tell them.
In general I managed to muster my way through many things in life… but underneath I was a ball of nerves. One time my husband told them I would say the prayer in church and I cried after due to the anxiety. I think I tried to follow the society plan- go to college, get married etc not because there is anything wrong with it but because I lacked alot of confidence to forge my own path.
I graduated over 20 years ago and since have accumulated 3 college degrees… none of them being photography. Honestly I have had multiple varied interests but I did not know anyone who had made a living as a photographer and most people said it could not be done.
Fast forward a few years into marriage, kids and autism. My life was stressful and I did not have hours of my days that I could disappear into the pool or the mountains. I ended up circling back to photography because as a child I remembered that it felt good. As it turns out photography is an exercise in mindfulness and this was a starting point for me to learn so much about myself through photography.
Photography is a great opportunity for self discovery
It is an interesting experience to stand in front of a camera. The object is going to record you… how? In a good way? Or maybe not so good? Is it going to capture you in a way that will propagate some type of self reconciliation?
Like most photographers I thoroughly enjoyed being behind the camera… until I attended a model camp put on by Coco Rocha in New York City. Coco is the type of model that you want to applaud after she is done. It is amazing to watch- but even more was the experience watching the models learn their art and then produce beautiful work on the final day of camp. In truth, it looked cool I wanted a small piece of that experience.
When I came home I started experimenting with my own self portraits. What I did find, first of all is that modeling is hard work. Not only is it physical but it is a skill to present yourself in a variety of desirable ways in front of a camera. Most of my pictures went to the cutting room floor, so to speak. But what I did learn is what I really looked like. I learned more about what I liked about myself and I learned that some of those things I feared… such as my boy legs maybe were not that bad. I even started posting pictures that were nothing of what you would consider shareable- goggle lines anyone? I also started expressing myself through pictures stress that I felt that was otherwise incredibly difficult to communicate to a world largely unfamiliar with autism. It all was incredibly freeing.
It took me 20+ years to follow my dream of being a photographer
As alluded to… it took me awhile to follow my dreams of being a photographer. To add more here I felt incredibly unworthy to take beautiful pictures. I felt that I was not capable. And together these stories created years being too scared to tell people I was a photographer. Years that I photographed food because I was too scared to talk to people.
I do have to mention that while it took me 20 years- I don’t regret it. While there was many things I learned I think the biggest lesson I learned during that time was how to relate to others and go after I wanted, no matter what. My son taught me that.
My son has autism, and to no fault of his own it has been a rough road. If I wanted to learn something I have sometimes flown across the country to learn it. And given our bank account situation I have often had to get creative with the funds to make it happen. When something did not work with our son I had to revamp what we were doing and pivot. I wish I could tell you that I have been the perfect parent but as you know kids do not come with instruction manuals, especially a kid that still barely says 10 words and is considered low functioning by many professionals. Like many a great professional I got (and still get) knocked down and have learned to get back up again. Over and over.
My favorite thing my son with autism has taught me is relating to others. I know, I just told you he barely speaks 10 words. But they say most of our communication is body language and what he has taught me is a masterclass in relating to and reading people. One story that comes to mind is I think it was last year that I was photographing at a modeling camp and I was photographing with a projector as a light and I could tell the model was uncomfortable. I finally stopped the shoot and asked her what was up. She told us she had recently had an eye procedure and was sensitive to the bright light of the projector. I stopped the shoot immediately.
But even more than this I don’t mind saying and owning that I am a portrait photographer. While there is a small part in my mind that says I am not on par with Annie Leibovitz I know that is okay. I don’t have to be Annie and even though I am not, I can still make a positive impact on myself and others through photography. So while it took me 20+ years to follow my dreams… I don’t wish that on others. My hope is that if I can help you with the confidence of having your portrait taken in a studio, that can translate to other areas of your life and hopefully the courage to chase your dreams.
I think there is work for our society to do regarding a positive self image
No one need look further than social media or headlines on what the ideal self image is, how you should feel about yourself or what the latest product is that you should be trying. And subsequently there are many out there taking it all in… in healthy and not so healthy ways.
I love the to think of how different our world would be if we all put our efforts to good. You could also think how different would our world be if more people had the courage, positive self image and confidence to chase their dreams? I think this world is filled with alot of good people and many people with dreams that currently feel hampered from chasing them for a variety of confidence related reasons.
In conclusion I have been there. I have not felt confident to chase my dreams. I have looked in the mirror and thought ‘I can’t’. Since then I have heard numerous other women follow suit. I know I can’t force a change in someone’s mind. But perhaps, to use photography speak, I can help shine a light on their strengths or help readjust their focus to the light- that it will not take you 20 years to follow a dream. Or maybe just to know that today, you are worth it.