Mother’s Day
A confession for you.
Sometimes I have hated being a mom. Sometimes I have felt like the situation dealt to me has been not fair. I have felt like I am not equal to the task. And it is not at all what I imagined. Both the good and the rough.
But it has made me who I am.
How to be confident
Before being a mom I had a long time dream of being a photographer. However there were a few problems. I was too afraid to tell anyone I was a photographer and I felt like I could not take good photos of people. The possibility of disappointing them was always too great to even start. I also thought I would never be any good, not make any money at it, it was not a realistic dream… and I could keep going. Perhaps if I had a dollar for every reason I gave myself that I could not be a photographer, or now was not the right time or this was holding me back.
That changed through my experience of being a mom.
I was talking to my sister the other day and she mentioned that she thought I always seemed confident. I get why she says that but at the same time, that was a no. From I don’t know where- I have always had a prety high drive for accomplishment and perfection. Well with that pretty high standard comes alot of fear of failure and insecurities about messing up. With time I had learned to identify specifically what I wanted and how to get there- so yes it appeared as confidence… but I had barriers up.
Motherhood tore those barriers down.
No longer was it working my hardest to get a faster swim time than I did last time. Or impress my boss- yet again for another raise. I worked as hard as the professionals told me- and then some. Today my child speaks few words and still has difficulty toileting. I have never told anyone how big of a failure that felt like. Scrolling through social media and seeing all my friends out there, conquering the world with their kids and for us we were lucky to make it out of the house.
I could no longer just work hard and have world approved accomplishments to show for it. I had to redefine me. I had to redefine success. Mostly I had to redefine everything.
Last week a smart young woman asked me after the BARE class where did I get my confidence. To summarize I got it after I was in a situation that demanded I figure things our- or I drown.
Now I am not saying I have things figured out completely… but I have a bit more of it figured out. After what I would offer is an incredibly unique mothering experience I have more appreciation and finally a direction I want to go. I have felt more confident in myself and my capabilities than… I don’t remember when. Not that I have to be perfect but if I give it my all, hopefully help someone else and if I was human for a moment- that works for me.
How to advocate
There is little else I know of that will teach you how to advocate than raising a special needs child. Now I always kind of took the approach of do it and ask foregiveness later. But what if your child’s health depends on you speaking up? What if you know your child needs assistance and you don’t have money in your bank account to cover? What if you know that the professional in front of you- is in the wrong?
Through motherhood I learned to advocate for me AND them. All of the above statements about me fighting for my child are absolute truth. Only in the last year did I sit across from professionals at a local hospital asking me what I would do to start an autism service line. This coming after years of fighting for my child to be seen and treated equally as another child would.
For me I learned that if I wanted something, no one was coming to give it to me- not even my husband. And this especially included my happiness. I could not wait for other people to figure it out, and then I would pursue my dreams. I could not wait for my son’s medical condition to sort itself out and then be happy. I needed to figure out how to uphold myself as a person, while being a mom.
This also came in handy with my business and the pursuit of photography. For example there have been many times I have put off signing up for large coaching programs. They are usually expensive but some up with a time requirements and are limited to a certain time length of support. That may work great for the usual person but for me it generally takes me 2-4 times longer to do anything than someone else due to my schedule. While I occaisionally get frustrated with it I have learned to be okay with it. Just just last week I asked the owner of this particular class if we could chat at the end and perhaps, if needed we could extend the length of time I was in the support group- just to give me some extra time and they said yes.
I would like to note here that I am not advocating as if I am the only thing that matters. But to mom’s out there I have once upon a time felt like I lost myself- and giving myself some time and care I felt like I got that back. I am also not advocating that you expect everything for free. But there are people out there that see you and want to help.
How to love
The biggest one for me is love. Never has my heart sung before like it has in moments with my kids. And never before have I been able to bring myself to tears as quickly as I can with certain subjects close to my kids.
This has helped me better relate to others. This has helped me better relate to clients, to want to check in on them, to want to love on them.
Not love in that way… but to text a client after hearing that her son passed. To have a surprise birthday cake show up when I know we are shooting on a clients birthday. To drop in an extra photo.
I love surprising clients. I genuinely love photography. I love what I do. My flow is now built on this. My goal is to pass it on to others.
Motherhood is absolutely not what I expected. It has been hard and it has been amazing. But it is in large part the reason I am standing here today. It is the reason my photography has any depth. It is the reason I found myself. It is the reason I keep going. Thank you to N and D. I absolutely adore you.